What a Difference a Year Makes

As I hung the ornaments on the Christmas tree this year, I reflected back on what a difference a year makes.

Last year Christmas was a difficult time. We had lost our twins eight months earlier. We had had some time to grieve, but each new holiday was hard. I watched (through facebook) as friends that I had been pregnant with were gearing up for their baby's first Christmas. I participated in all kinds of traditions that I had been looking forward to my babies experiencing with me. We knew before Thanksgiving that we were expecting again, which did help to dull the pain, but only a little.

As Christmas loomed, I had a conversation with a sales guy that made the season harder. In an effort to connect with me so that he'd have a better chance to get the sale, he started a conversation about kids at Christmas. He began by asking if I had any kids, a painful question in itself. When I said no, he asked if I wanted them. I really felt it was none of his business, but didn't feel I could say that to him, so I answered yes. Then he went on for probably five minutes about how magical Christmas is when you get to experience it with your children. In retrospect I wish that I had stopped him and explained that I was painfully aware of how magical Christmas should have been in 2011, with twins opening presents for the first time. At least then I wouldn't have suffered in silence.

Christmas time was also hard because in an effort to avoid upsetting me, many of my close family and friends didn't mention Caiden and Kaylie at all. It really reinforced for me the saying I had heard, "The name of my child may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to be music to my ears". Even when others didn't mention their names, they were still forefront on my mind.

In 2011, we received a number of "memory" Christmas ornaments, which we hung on the tree. My heart was so heavy as I hung those ornaments. Those ornaments meant a lot to me and I was glad to be able to incorporate Caiden and Kaylie in our Christmas traditions. However, those ornaments also reinforced all that we had lost and what we were missing out on. This year, they were still displayed prominently on our tree, but it was much easier to hang them. The whole Christmas spirit was very different this year. This year, Christmas was about celebration. We were thrilled to have Jordyn here to celebrate it with us. We were also grateful for a number of connections we had made because of our loss. We met some very good friends along our journey and found a cause that we could both pour our grief into.

Each year Christmas, and holidays in general, will be a time that we especially remember what we have lost. I hope that these reminders of our loss will also remind us to "never take one single breath for granted" because every moment is so precious.