I am fine*.

It has been almost six months since Caiden and Kaylie were born. Every day is a struggle, but I am fine*. I think that I am coping relatively well. There is not an hour that goes by that I don't think about them. Sometimes I cry for all that we lost. Sometimes I laugh to myself about the good times (our reaction when we saw two heads on the monitor, our families' reactions when we told them the news). I re-live different events every day. Sometimes the good, sometimes the bad. I don't cry every day anymore, but I do still cry often. I have good times when I can accomplish a lot, and bad times when all I can do is put all my energy into a cause that will alleviate someone else's pain (i.e. knitting for An Angel's Love or planning next year's March of Dimes walk events).

I say "I am fine" with an asterisk because all of the above is true only in my little bubble. Anytime my bubble bursts, my "fine-ness" falls apart. My bubble isolates me from all of the happiness of babies. I have "unsubscribed" on Facebook from all of my friends who are pregnant or who had babies after Caiden and Kaylie were born (surprisingly it doesn't bother me too much to see the babies who were born before Caiden and Kaylie - I guess because those were better times). I have distanced myself from all of my friends who have recently had babies. I avoid stores as much as possible (apparently shopping is good free entertainment for young kids because they are everywhere at the malls and grocery stores).

Unfortunately, these measures are not entirely successful and not without cost. I can't figure out how to hide Facebook posts all together, so if another friend, who is not unsubscribed, comments on a photo of someone who is, the photo will still appear in my news feed.  And Facebook is so "smart" that it thinks I would like to see ads about babies. I feel terrible about distancing myself from my friends. I want them to be happy for me when my time finally comes and I feel like I need to be happy for them now if I expect them to return the favor, but when I think about how happy they are (or even how sleep deprived and frazzled they are), it reminds me of how not-happy I am. I believe that they are understanding and will still be happy for me when my time comes even if I can't show them now how happy I am for them, but I still feel guilty.

In addition, my bubble has recently been weakening. My workplace is now full of men adding children to their families (thank God there are no women currently expecting). Soon I will have an empty newsfeed when I log into Facebook because I will have unsubscribed from everyone at the rate new announcements are coming. I can't avoid shopping forever; eventually I will have to get back into a regular shopping schedule. But I am fighting as hard as I can to keep my bubble in tact at least a little longer.

I am sure that this bubble will become unnecessary once I have held our next (healthy) baby in my arms, and hopefully long before that. But I am not there yet. For now, I am fine*.