THE Question: Do you have any kids yet?
Recently I was volunteering with some people I haven't seen in a while. I was catching up with one who I was pretty sure did not know our story. I danced around the subject of children as much as I could - focusing on where we were working now and joking about old times. I was so afraid that he would ask the dreaded question, but luckily we did not have a lot of time to talk so the question did not come up.
Also during this volunteering session, I saw an old roommate from a distance. She was there with her young son. I turned my face away as much as I could to avoid her recognizing me because I was afraid that she would introduce me to her son and ask if I had any children yet.
The problem is: how do you answer that question? There are three choices: no, yes, or yes, but they are in heaven. If you say no, you feel guilty for denying your children, but avoid any further uncomfortable conversation. If you say simply yes, you open yourself up to more questions (how many, how old, etc.). And if you say "yes, but they are in heaven", the mood of the conversation totally changes and both parties are likely uncomfortable: the other person doesn't know what to say, you just want to move on to the next topic.
I have read as well as heard from many people that it really does not get easier. This seemingly innocent question will always be hard to answer: how do you handle strangers asking the question? Do you tell people about your loss when you first meet them? If not, when do you tell them?
I have yet to be asked this question, but I dread the day that it happens. I'm not sure yet how I will respond. I guess it will depend on who asks it and the situation we are in at the time. Only time will tell...
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI can tell you that it will probably always be awkward for the person who asks to get the answer. I know this because I recently asked a co-worker if he and his wife had kids and he very matter-of-factly told me that they'd lost their son when he was a baby (no more kids).
For him, it was 20 years ago and it's something they obviously remember and can mention, but it's not as painful. For me, it's kind of like, "Oh, that's too bad, sorry to hear that." But I'm friendly enough with him that the awkwardness of getting the answer passed quickly.
In retrospect, I'd rather know that he had a child and he didn't survive than have him say no. Especially seeing what you've been going through.
I hope, at some point, you don't dread the question and can find an answer that you feel comfortable with, regardless of who asks. I think that you shouldn't feel awkward or guilty. For something like this, there is no reason to hide the answer because the person who asks might feel uncomfortable.
My heart to you and Chris. - Michelle S.
I face this all the time. We lost our twin boys at 21 weeks and I am always afraid of the "do you have kids?" question.
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