As Easter approaches and I struggle with reliving every moment of our loss, I reflect on why this is such a hard time of year:
Caiden and Kaylie were born on Easter Sunday 2011. We and our families are Catholic and observe Lent. Lent has become a particularly hard time of year for me. Before Lent began in 2012, I assured everyone that I would be fine at Easter. After all, we certainly hadn't celebrated Easter in the hospital, and other than knowing that it was Easter, our loss had no ties to that day. However, what I didn't consider was everything that led up to Easter and how much that would remind me of my pregnancy. Simple things like trying to find a non-meat entree on Fridays served as a powerful reminder of that same time the previous year. No, Easter itself did not hold a direct tie to our loss, but all of the reminders along the way make it a difficult time. Add on top of that making a sacrifice for Lent. How do you sacrifice more than your first born son and daughter?
At the same time that Easter is approaching, April 24th is also nearing. Caiden and Kaylie were actually born on April 24th and this is the day that we commemorate their birth. In addition, we are gearing up for the March for Babies in the same timeframe. All of these things come together to form the perfect storm of emotions.
I love the work that we do with the March of Dimes. I am proud of the money we have raised to date and hope to continue to be a Top 5 team for years to come. I intend to involve Jordyn in the events as well, teaching her the importance of giving back. However, it is an emotionally hard road leading up to the walk. There are a number of events that we attend during this time where we tell our story. We also share our story all over facebook in an effort to prompt our friends and family to join our team or make a donation. We contact a lot of local businesses requesting donations or other support, which includes our story in brief. I've had a lot of practice, so the story is now concise and the words easily leave my lips, but every time I share or prepare to share this brief story I remember the whole story. I relive the highs and the lows and I replay the whatifs over and over.
I expected that last year, the first year after our loss, would be hard. I knew that every new milestone, each holiday that passed, would hold a certain amount of pain. But I thought the second year would be easier. Especially now that we have a healthy daughter to appreciate and we are building on last year's very successful fundraiser, I expected to breeze through the season emotionally.
I know now that this season will continue to bring highs and lows. We will experience Easter in a new way this year with Jordyn. We will celebrate another successful fundraiser and fundraising season when we wrap up in May/June. I will feel good about giving back and even more, I will feel good about remembering our babies. But I understand now that remembering our babies comes with both grief and joy.
