tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680012196253067012024-03-13T07:23:00.661-07:00Remembering Caiden and KaylieMichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-5102402849450362382013-04-23T09:21:00.000-07:002013-04-23T09:21:47.505-07:00March of Dimes ResearchWhen we were writing the obituary for Caiden and Kaylie, we wanted to ask for charitable donations in lieu of flowers. I thought about where donations could be made. The babies had received hats and blankets, which meant a lot to us, so I picked Project Linus. I remembered seeing March of Dimes commercials when I was younger about giving every baby a healthy start, so I decided they would be the other charity. I did not know much about either charity at the time.<br />
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When we got home from the hospital, I started to look at the March of Dimes' website to learn more about them. I found out that the annual March for Babies was in just a few weeks and decided to sign up for it. I posted a link on facebook and sent out a few e-mails asking for donations. I spent my idle time planning for the walk. As the walk approached, I worried that once it was over, I would have too much time on my hands for my own good while in the thick of the grieving process, so I contacted the March of Dimes and asked to be connected with the local chapter.<br />
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I met with the local chapter and began forming a relationship with the people there. I joined the Family Teams Committee that meets once a month and I have attended, as a guest or volunteer, a number of March of Dimes events. Chris and I were asked to serve as the Ambassador Family for the Nurse of the Year Awards in 2011. Our responsibilities as the Ambassador Family centered around a speech we would give at the event. In preparing our speech, I asked if the March of Dimes was funding any research related to preventing pre-term birth specifically for pregnancy of multiples. The answer was that there was no research currently underway specific to pregnancy of multiples, but that any findings that applied to singleton pregnancies should apply to multiples too. I found out that there was research currently funded in Buffalo, just an hour down the road from us and I was happy to add that to my speech.<br />
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The diagnosis from my early delivery was suspected incompetent cervix (IC). Incompetent cervix is just how it sounds: the cervix does not behave as it should and it opens prematurely. After successfully carrying a subsequent pregnancy to term and beyond, and being on Pitocin for 18 hours of labor because my cervix did not want to open, the doctors suggested that IC may not be what caused my pre-term labor and that it was simply caused by "the stress of having twins". While it's comforting to know that I likely do not have IC, "the stress of having twins" doesn't sound like much of a diagnosis to me, especially because people have twins all the time. IC has relatively effective treatments available, but how do you treat "the stress of having twins", other than attempting to prevent a subsequent twin pregnancy? The lack of a diagnosis or even a suspicion as to what went wrong is very disheartening. How do we know that whatever happened then won't happen again? What if we end up pregnant with twins again? Are we doomed to lose them too?<br />
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Recently, I looked at the March of Dimes prematurity research page. This page summarizes some of the research that they are funding. I was surprised and thrilled to find that they are funding research for uterine stretching (commonly found in pregnancies of multiples and pregnancies with excess amniotic fluid). This research looks at the tie between uterine stretching and pre-term labor. If they find a link, further research can look for a way to predict and prevent the pre-term labor.<br />
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This research gives me hope. If a link is found between uterine stretching and pre-term labor, I would be much more comfortable believing <em>that</em> was the cause of my pre-term labor than "the stress of having twins". It also gives me a diagnosis, which would provide some comfort and make it easier to explain to others. (Saying that I lost twins because my body couldn't handle "the stress" makes me feel inferior when women give birth to healthy twins all the time. - NOTE that I now know of a number of women who have lost twins in similar situations, but those cases are clearly not as public as the women who give birth to healthy twins.) <br />
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In addition, if a link is found between uterine stretching and pre-term labor, new research can begin to determine preventative measures. These preventative measures may or may not be found during my childbearing years, but even if not, it will help spare others from the grief of losing a twin pregnancy to pre-term labor.<br />
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I have been a strong supporter of the March of Dimes since coming home from the hospital. I believe in all the work they do. Being involved in their mission has given me comfort and hope since the beginning. But now, with the new research underway, my hope and optimism is stronger than ever.<br />
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*Thank you for reading my post. Please consider making a donation to the March of Dimes through the banner to the right to help fund all the important research they do, including the study mentioned in this post. Find out more about their research here: <a href="http://www.marchofdimes.com/research/prematurity_grants.html">http://www.marchofdimes.com/research/prematurity_grants.html</a>.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-25623020738875714152013-03-24T13:25:00.001-07:002013-03-24T13:25:59.643-07:00The Hardest Time of YearAs Easter approaches and I struggle with reliving every moment of our loss, I reflect on why this is such a hard time of year:<br />
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Caiden and Kaylie were born on Easter Sunday 2011. We and our families are Catholic and observe Lent. Lent has become a particularly hard time of year for me. Before Lent began in 2012, I assured everyone that I would be fine at Easter. After all, we certainly hadn't celebrated Easter in the hospital, and other than knowing that it was Easter, our loss had no ties to that day. However, what I didn't consider was everything that led up to Easter and how much that would remind me of my pregnancy. Simple things like trying to find a non-meat entree on Fridays served as a powerful reminder of that same time the previous year. No, Easter itself did not hold a direct tie to our loss, but all of the reminders along the way make it a difficult time. Add on top of that making a sacrifice for Lent. How do you sacrifice more than your first born son and daughter?<br />
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At the same time that Easter is approaching, April 24th is also nearing. Caiden and Kaylie were actually born on April 24th and this is the day that we commemorate their birth. In addition, we are gearing up for the March for Babies in the same timeframe. All of these things come together to form the perfect storm of emotions.<br />
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I love the work that we do with the March of Dimes. I am proud of the money we have raised to date and hope to continue to be a Top 5 team for years to come. I intend to involve Jordyn in the events as well, teaching her the importance of giving back. However, it is an emotionally hard road leading up to the walk. There are a number of events that we attend during this time where we tell our story. We also share our story all over facebook in an effort to prompt our friends and family to join our team or make a donation. We contact a lot of local businesses requesting donations or other support, which includes our story in brief. I've had a lot of practice, so the story is now concise and the words easily leave my lips, but every time I share or prepare to share this brief story I remember the whole story. I relive the highs and the lows and I replay the whatifs over and over.<br />
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I expected that last year, the first year after our loss, would be hard. I knew that every new milestone, each holiday that passed, would hold a certain amount of pain. But I thought the second year would be easier. Especially now that we have a healthy daughter to appreciate and we are building on last year's very successful fundraiser, I expected to breeze through the season emotionally.<br />
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I know now that this season will continue to bring highs and lows. We will experience Easter in a new way this year with Jordyn. We will celebrate another successful fundraiser and fundraising season when we wrap up in May/June. I will feel good about giving back and even more, I will feel good about remembering our babies. But I understand now that remembering our babies comes with both grief and joy.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-88923932002051324962013-02-22T12:10:00.001-08:002013-03-24T12:04:16.629-07:00What a Difference a Year MakesAs I hung the ornaments on the Christmas tree this year, I reflected back on what a difference a year makes. <br />
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Last year Christmas was a difficult time. We had lost our twins eight months earlier. We had had some time to grieve, but each new holiday was hard. I watched (through facebook) as friends that I had been pregnant with were gearing up for their baby's first Christmas. I participated in all kinds of traditions that I had been looking forward to my babies experiencing with me. We knew before Thanksgiving that we were expecting again, which did help to dull the pain, but only a little.<br />
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As Christmas loomed, I had a conversation with a sales guy that made the season harder. In an effort to connect with me so that he'd have a better chance to get the sale, he started a conversation about kids at Christmas. He began by asking if I had any kids, a painful question in itself. When I said no, he asked if I wanted them. I really felt it was none of his business, but didn't feel I could say that to him, so I answered yes. Then he went on for probably five minutes about how magical Christmas is when you get to experience it with your children. In retrospect I wish that I had stopped him and explained that I was painfully aware of how magical Christmas should have been in 2011, with twins opening presents for the first time. At least then I wouldn't have suffered in silence. <br />
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Christmas time was also hard because in an effort to avoid upsetting me, many of my close family and friends didn't mention Caiden and Kaylie at all. It really reinforced for me the saying I had heard, "The name of my child may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to be music to my ears". Even when others didn't mention their names, they were still forefront on my mind.<br />
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In 2011, we received a number of "memory" Christmas ornaments, which we hung on the tree. My heart was so heavy as I hung those ornaments. Those ornaments meant a lot to me and I was glad to be able to incorporate Caiden and Kaylie in our Christmas traditions. However, those ornaments also reinforced all that we had lost and what we were missing out on. This year, they were still displayed prominently on our tree, but it was much easier to hang them. The whole Christmas spirit was very different this year. This year, Christmas was about celebration. We were thrilled to have Jordyn here to celebrate it with us. We were also grateful for a number of connections we had made because of our loss. We met some very good friends along our journey and found a cause that we could both pour our grief into.<br />
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Each year Christmas, and holidays in general, will be a time that we especially remember what we have lost. I hope that these reminders of our loss will also remind us to "never take one single breath for granted" because every moment is so precious.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-51294405618122761462012-04-24T08:20:00.001-07:002012-04-24T08:20:57.787-07:00Happy Birthday to My AngelsDear Caiden and Kaylie,<br />
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A year ago today I held you in my arms. We had so little time to spend with you. So many hopes and dreams were packed into those few fleeting hours. So many "I love yous" were left unsaid.<br />
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This last year has been a struggle. For the first six months we said that we would give anything to have you back in our arms. But then we conceived Jordyn. How could we say that we would give up this new precious life to have you back? We had to work through those feelings and realize that we still love you with all our hearts, even while we love this growing new life.<br />
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As part of our grieving process, we looked for an outlet. We found that in the March of Dimes. We were so pleased that in the first year we were able to raise over $1,800 with only about 3 weeks of fundraising. The walk, which took place less than a month after your birth, was very emotional, but a great culmination to a crazy month.<br />
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After the walk, I started making hats and blankets to donate back to the hospital to give other families the comfort that we had received from the hats and blankets we received for you. This lead to the formation of An Angel's Love. We made our first donation back to the hospital in September. We are making another donation today in your memory.<br />
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Since last year's March for Babies, Daddy and I have continued our involvement in the March of Dimes. We gave a speech at the Nurse of the Year Awards Gala, where we talked about the wonderful nurses who cared for us during our stay in the hospital. I was lucky enough to get to go back to the hospital and ask them to be the presenting sponsor for this year's walk. They accepted, which has made this year's walk so much more successful already.<br />
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Daddy has been planning a softball tournament in your names. We have put a lot of work into it and it is all finally starting to pay off. He has been spreading the word to anyone and everyone, making sure that your lives mean something and that we can make a difference for others in your names. Now, a month before this year's walk, we have already far surpassed last year's fundraising, and we are still going strong.<br />
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All that we have done over the past year has been made possible because of you two. We wish for all the world that we could have you with us. But since that is not possible, we are grateful for what you have given us: a cause to pour all of our passion into.<br />
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We will continue to carry you in our hearts everywhere we go. We will often wonder what your lives would have been like: when would you have said your first word or taken your first step? would you have been an athlete? where would you have gone to college? who would you have married? what career would you have chosen? But through all these milestones, we will always remember what you have given us. I only hope that we can give back as much as we have received.<br />
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On this very special day, Happy Birthday to my twin angels. <3<3<br />
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Love,<br />
<br />
MommyMichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-77860390577817326262012-01-25T12:01:00.000-08:002013-02-20T12:01:36.953-08:00The CerclageA cerclage is a procedure to place a stitch or stitches in the cervix of a pregnant woman to keep the cervix closed as long as possible. This can be done as an emergency procedure if a woman's cervix is found to be opening (or shortening) too early, as long as her water hasn't broken. This can also be done as a preventative measure when there is reason to believe that there may be a problem later in the pregnancy.<br />
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Although we don't have an answer as to what went wrong in our last pregnancy, we know that the cervix opened too early. That early opening may have perpetuated everything else that happened, or some other culprit may have caused the cervix to open early. Either way, my doctor recommended we have the procedure done. He said if we agreed, it would be done around 13 weeks, once the risk of spontaneous miscarriage was significantly decreased.<br />
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The benefits of the procedure include: strengthening the cervix, keeping the cervix closed beyond when it may have opened on its own, and providing piece of mind to couples who have experienced a previous loss. The risks include: all the normal risks that come with any surgery with anesthesia (infection, permanent injury, death, etc.), and also the risk of disrupting the pregnancy, causing miscarriage.<br />
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My husband was on board with the procedure from the beginning, but I was less sure. For one, I hated to admit that there might be something wrong with me that had caused our loss. Second, it made me nervous to interfere with nature, especially considering the risks. In the end, I decided that we could either worry about the procedure and, as long as it went well, be somewhat more relaxed for the rest of the pregnancy, or we could worry for the whole pregnancy. I decided the former would be a little easier.<br />
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After our trip to the ER the Sunday before the surgery, when I was convinced my cervix might be opening already (and everyone in the ER looked at us like we were crazy), it became clear that this was a very good idea. (The outcome of the ER visit was that everything was fine, and when we explained our history to the ER doctors and nurses, they were much more understanding of why we were so crazy).<br />
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We went in for the surgery on Wednesday, January 11th. We were very nervous. The nerves were made worse when, before the surgery, the nurse could not find the baby's heartbeat, nor could my doctor. After many nerve racking minutes, the nurse brought an ultrasound machine. The baby quickly appeared on the ultrasound screen, with a strong heartbeat (150bpm). Apparently the labor floor (which is where they performed the surgery) is not well equipped to hear tiny babies' hearts. The nurse assured us that their Doppler equipment was not as sophisticated as the equipment at my doctor's office. After the surgery, they again could not find the heartbeat with the Doppler, so they again used the ultrasound machine to confirm that the baby was fine.<br />
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Before the surgery, they gave me a spinal (like an epidural, but the medicine goes into the spinal space instead of the epidural space - that's how the nurse described it). I was already in the OR and couldn't hold my husband's hand as I had hoped, so my nurse held my hand. The nurse anesthetist had warned me that my blood pressure could drop which could cause me to vomit or faint. Plus I had heard that the needle for an epidural was painful. I was most concerned about the consequences of the anesthesia, rather than the surgery itself. The needle was painful, but not unbearable and I had no problems after the medicine went in. The hardest part after that was throwing modesty to the wind while wide awake in a room with about 10 people in it!<br />
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Once the surgery was over, I went to a recovery room for an hour and then back to a regular room until I could be released. The only hiccup in the recovery was that I couldn't pee until several hours after the surgery because the numbness had not subsided enough. While I was recovering, one of our wonderful nurses from our stay in April stopped in to say hello. She said she had tried to change her schedule when she heard that we would be there, but she wasn't able to make it work. However, she had to come in for a meeting, so she stopped in to say hello to us.<br />
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When I was finally able to leave, I went home to rest with my feet up for a few days. The doctor said everything went very well, and I got the thumbs up to return to normal activities at my follow up appointment the next week. Hopefully this procedure will give us the peace of mind we hoped for in this rollercoaster ride.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-61134568013743062242012-01-13T08:35:00.000-08:002012-01-13T08:35:34.443-08:00The Birth CertificateUntil a new bill recently passed, New York State did not acknowledge the birth of any baby born still (birth certificates are called "Certificate of Live Birth", not applicable if the baby was born still). In addition, the parents do not receive a copy of the fetal death certificate, unless they request it (not exactly something you are thinking to ask for in the hospital). You can request the certificate after the fact, but must have the request notarized. There is no need for a name of the baby on the death certificate, so they baby remains unacknowledged. As far as New York State is concerned, the baby was never born, so therefore, a baby never actually died; they only acknowledge the termination of the pregnancy.<br />
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Thanks to some very dedicated mothers, this will soon change. Beginning in March, New York State will offer Certificates of Stillbirth. The law is retroactive, so anyone who has had a stillbirth (at more than 20 weeks gestation) can request a birth certificate for their baby. (Our stillbirth was at 20 weeks and 4 days, so we cross the required threshold to qualify.)<br />
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After coming home from the hospital, it took a while to sink in that we would not receive birth certificates. Once it did, we were very upset, but poured our energy into the March of Dimes. We were so grateful to these wonderfully dedicated mothers for making this happen. We are very excited for March, when we can request the certificates for our babies. We will proudly display them as proof that our babies were, in fact, born.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-76625930106158053392012-01-05T11:54:00.000-08:002013-02-20T11:56:11.408-08:00Trying AgainIn an effort to cope with the loss of our twins, my husband announced (to anyone who would listen) that we would be trying again as soon as the doctor gave us the okay. I wasn't sure that I would be ready right away, but I was devastated when the doctor told us at our follow up appointment that he recommended we wait six months before trying again. Our grief over the loss of the twins was three-fold: (1) the loss of Caiden and Kaylie - a pain that would dull with time, but could never go away completely, no matter how many more children we have, (2) the loss of the excitement of twins - this part could be relieved if we have twins again in the future, but my doctor assured me that in all likelihood we will never conceive twins again (what he perceived to be good news, but I took as another devastating blow), and (3) the loss of having a baby, especially while all of our friends were bringing home healthy babies. The last, at least, was something that we could fix by starting to try again. So, although I didn't want to start trying the next week, I thought a month or two would be a good waiting period.<br />
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At my follow up appointment to the D&C, the doctor had changed his mind. He said that it was good to wait six months to allow my body to return to normal before getting pregnant again, but since we didn't know that we would be successful on our first try, he thought it was okay for us to start trying sooner. I was ecstatic! Much sooner than I had originally anticipated, I would be able to do something to relieve some of our grief.<br />
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However, I did not anticipate the emotional roller coaster that was to come. I knew that when I was pregnant again it would be the craziest roller coaster ride we had ever been on, but I didn't expect the effort to get us there would also be a roller coaster. Over several agonizing months, we experienced the roller coaster - the raw emotions of "moving forward" after our loss (not that we were forgetting or minimizing our loss, but working to move forward nonetheless), the tears with every negative pregnancy test from sadness that we were unsuccessful yet again and frustration about the unfairness that we had to go through the roller coaster again the next month. During this time, I lived my life two weeks at a time: two weeks of doing whatever I wanted: drinking, eating raw cookie dough, getting tattoos (okay only one), and two weeks of being on my best behavior in case we had been successful.<br />
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However, thankfully, after these agonizing months, we had a positive pregnancy test! I had expected to be filled with mixed emotions and most likely more scared than happy at the sight of those two little pink lines, but just the opposite happened. I was over the moon! Scared, of course, but that was secondary to my excitement. I took the test on a Sunday morning. I was the lector at church later that morning. At my church, the lector sits all by themselves, to the side of the Altar. It was a good thing I was alone, because during the quiet prayer times, I could barely keep the tears of excitement out of my eyes.<br />
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One additional exciting note is that the due date is our wedding anniversary! I fully expect a roller coaster of emotions until then (or whenever the baby decides to arrive), but I hope that I can enjoy every crazy minute of it. I know all too well that things can go terribly wrong in a heartbeat, and then all you have to look back on are the pictures and memories. So my goal is to get as many pictures, videos, audio files of our baby as possible and make as many memories as one small family can manage over the next several months. If anything goes wrong, at least we will have these things to remind us of happier times, and if we end up with a healthy baby, we will have even more to treasure.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-68992511914167317652011-10-27T10:56:00.000-07:002011-10-27T10:56:53.227-07:00HalloweenWhen Caiden and Kaylie were born so early, I had not yet started to plan much of their future. I hadn't even found a doctor or daycare for them yet. I hadn't started to dream of their weddings or them becoming a doctor or lawyer (although we had talked about them becoming professional athletes). I hadn't designed the nursery yet. I hadn't put much thought into their Christmas presents. But I had started to plan for Halloween.<br />
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Every year we go a little more over the top with costumes for our animals. I enjoy dressing them up. I even enjoy all the eye rolling that I get from family and friends about the fact that we are dressing up our animals. Everyone has told us "If you do all this for your animals, I can't wait until you have kids to see how you dress them up!" With a challenge like that I had to start planning early! I was excited with all the fun possibilities for twin costumes. We had only known for a couple weeks that we were having a boy and a girl, so I had only started to think about costumes, but I had planned that there would be many!<br />
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Now that all of those hopes are dashed, I am having a hard time with the impending holiday. I bought a couple of figurines of teddy bears dressed in costumes - one boy (frankenstein) and one girl (a witch) and brought them to the cemetery. They are perched on the gravestone. But I really don't want to participate in Halloween this year. We have been invited to a number of parties, but I don't feel like dressing up and partying. I also don't want to invite trick-or-treaters to my house and give out candy. I just want to hibernate until the holiday is over. Maybe this is me avoiding my grief and it is unhealthy, but who wants to go trick-or-treating at the crazy crying lady's house anyway?<br />
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Perhaps I will get some last minute costumes for our animals and we can have our own private Halloween celebration. That way I won't look like a crazy lady if I cry, but I'm also not avoiding my grief.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-31383584913712799152011-10-20T16:17:00.000-07:002011-10-20T16:17:08.092-07:00I am fine*.It has been almost six months since Caiden and Kaylie were born. Every day is a struggle, but I am fine*. I think that I am coping relatively well. There is not an hour that goes by that I don't think about them. Sometimes I cry for all that we lost. Sometimes I laugh to myself about the good times (our reaction when we saw two heads on the monitor, our families' reactions when we told them the news). I re-live different events every day. Sometimes the good, sometimes the bad. I don't cry every day anymore, but I do still cry often. I have good times when I can accomplish a lot, and bad times when all I can do is put all my energy into a cause that will alleviate someone else's pain (i.e. knitting for An Angel's Love or planning next year's March of Dimes walk events).<br />
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I say "I am fine" with an asterisk because all of the above is true only in my little bubble. Anytime my bubble bursts, my "fine-ness" falls apart. My bubble isolates me from all of the happiness of babies. I have "unsubscribed" on Facebook from all of my friends who are pregnant or who had babies after Caiden and Kaylie were born (surprisingly it doesn't bother me too much to see the babies who were born before Caiden and Kaylie - I guess because those were better times). I have distanced myself from all of my friends who have recently had babies. I avoid stores as much as possible (apparently shopping is good free entertainment for young kids because they are <i>everywhere</i> at the malls and grocery stores).<br />
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Unfortunately, these measures are not entirely successful and not without cost. I can't figure out how to hide Facebook posts all together, so if another friend, who is not unsubscribed, comments on a photo of someone who is, the photo will still appear in my news feed. And Facebook is so "smart" that it thinks I would like to see ads about babies. I feel terrible about distancing myself from my friends. I want them to be happy for me when my time finally comes and I feel like I need to be happy for them now if I expect them to return the favor, but when I think about how happy they are (or even how sleep deprived and frazzled they are), it reminds me of how not-happy I am. I believe that they are understanding and will still be happy for me when my time comes even if I can't show them now how happy I am for them, but I still feel guilty.<br />
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In addition, my bubble has recently been weakening. My workplace is now full of men adding children to their families (thank God there are no women currently expecting). Soon I will have an empty newsfeed when I log into Facebook because I will have unsubscribed from everyone at the rate new announcements are coming. I can't avoid shopping forever; eventually I will have to get back into a regular shopping schedule. But I am fighting as hard as I can to keep my bubble in tact at least a little longer.<br />
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I am sure that this bubble will become unnecessary once I have held our next (healthy) baby in my arms, and hopefully long before that. But I am not there yet. For now, I am fine*.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-26543248401477660772011-09-16T19:28:00.002-07:002011-09-16T19:28:55.992-07:00Avoiding THE QuestionTHE Question: Do you have any kids yet?<br />
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Recently I was volunteering with some people I haven't seen in a while. I was catching up with one who I was pretty sure did not know our story. I danced around the subject of children as much as I could - focusing on where we were working now and joking about old times. I was so afraid that he would ask the dreaded question, but luckily we did not have a lot of time to talk so the question did not come up.<br />
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Also during this volunteering session, I saw an old roommate from a distance. She was there with her young son. I turned my face away as much as I could to avoid her recognizing me because I was afraid that she would introduce me to her son and ask if I had any children yet.<br />
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The problem is: how do you answer that question? There are three choices: no, yes, or yes, but they are in heaven. If you say no, you feel guilty for denying your children, but avoid any further uncomfortable conversation. If you say simply yes, you open yourself up to more questions (how many, how old, etc.). And if you say "yes, but they are in heaven", the mood of the conversation totally changes and both parties are likely uncomfortable: the other person doesn't know what to say, you just want to move on to the next topic.<br />
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I have read as well as heard from many people that it really does not get easier. This seemingly innocent question will always be hard to answer: how do you handle strangers asking the question? Do you tell people about your loss when you first meet them? If not, when do you tell them?<br />
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I have yet to be asked this question, but I dread the day that it happens. I'm not sure yet how I will respond. I guess it will depend on who asks it and the situation we are in at the time. Only time will tell...Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-36651518437516591182011-09-16T19:28:00.001-07:002011-09-16T19:28:32.675-07:00The D&CThe week after the walk I started bleeding heavily. I called my doctor and she told me it was probably just my first period after the pregnancy. She said it was nothing to worry about as long as the bleeding didn't get worse. But then it did...<br />
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The next morning I called my doctor's office at 8. They didn't open until 8:30 that day, so I called the on call number. Before I even explained my problem, the woman who answered the phone asked if it was an emergency. I tried to explain that it wasn't life threatening, but I did need to talk to someone. She said if it was not an emergency I needed to wait until the doctor's office opened a half hour later and call them. I reluctantly agreed and waited a half hour.<br />
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I called the doctor's office exactly at 8:30 and left a message for the doctor to call back. At noon, I still hadn't heard anything, so I called back. They told me that the message was on the top of the stack on her desk and she would call me back as soon as she could. Finally at 3:30, I got a call back. The doctor suggested that I make an appointment for the next day. The only doctor available at the time was one I had never seen before.<br />
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The next day, the doctor was not able to determine anything at the appointment, so she asked if I would wait around for the ultrasound machine to become available so that they could see what was going on. I waiting in the waiting room and watched a couple of happy couples go in for ultrasounds to see their babies. Then finally they were ready for me. One of the worst parts of the whole experience was laying there looking at a baby-less uterus. They did however discover leftover tissue and suggested that I have a D&C the same day. The doctor on call at the hospital happened to be the same doctor who had delivered Caiden and Kaylie a month earlier.<br />
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When I talked to the doctor before the surgery, I told him that I was supposed to leave for New York City the next morning. The day before Caiden and Kaylie were born, we were supposed to be at a baseball game. Since I was lying in the hospital, we were unable to go. The team had generously offered us four free tickets to any game in May to make up for the game we missed, but the upcoming weekend was the last opportunity for us to use the vouchers. The doctor said we would see how the surgery went, but if everything went okay, I could go on the trip as long as I promised to carry my cell phone with me at all times and know how to contact the nearest hospital.<br />
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When preparing for the surgery, the nurse asked for my weight to determine the amount of anesthesia needed. The last time I had been weighed was at my 20 week appointment, so I had no idea what to tell her. I made a guess and she asked how sure I was. I said "not very". (It turns out I was very generous with the amount of weight I thought I had lost, though I didn't find that out until a month and a half later when my doctor's office weighed me again.) The anesthesiologist came over and the nurse asked if he wanted to run any blood tests. He said "no, she looks nice and pink to me". I'm sure that he was very good at his job, but it was frightening how flippant he was being.<br />
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When the OR was ready for me, they tried to reach my doctor. He had told them he was going into a meeting and they should call him on his cell phone when the OR was ready, but then he turned off his cell phone. They ended up paging him over the hospital intercom. Meanwhile, I was trying to reach my husband who was still at work because I wasn't supposed to go in for surgery for another couple hours (another reason the anesthesiologist's flippant attitude terrified me, since they told me I couldn't go in for surgery until after 5 because I had eaten breakfast, and now they were ready to take me in at 3). I started crying and told them I couldn't go anywhere until my husband arrived. Luckily he only works just down the road from the hospital, and he arrived before they found the doctor. <br />
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In the end, they removed the "residual products of conception" and I came out of the surgery just fine. We left for New York City the next morning and had a very nice and totally uncomplicated trip. I carried my cell phone and the phone number of the nearest hospital with me, but never needed to use either.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-16703857843775029792011-09-16T19:28:00.000-07:002011-09-16T19:28:04.535-07:00The Walk (and a new friend!)I mentioned the walk and our success before. Here are the details of the walk and the beginning of my relationship with March of Dimes.<br />
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The day we got home from the hospital, I found out about the walk and started thinking about walking in it. After recruiting some family members to participate, I signed up about a week later. We formed our team and started fundraising.<br />
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About a week before the walk, the Family Teams coordinator at the local chapter of the March of Dimes called me. She was calling all team captains to find out why they were walking. I gave her a brief synopsis of our story. I also indicated that I was interested in volunteering with March of Dimes doing something behind the scenes. She suggested we meet after the walk to discuss.<br />
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For our team walkers, we ordered matching shirts online at the last minute. There were six shirts, four different sizes, all the same color. I paid extra for rush shipping to make sure that they arrived in time. What I received was five shirts, three different sizes and four different colors. I called to have the order corrected and they informed me that they could not have them here in time for the walk. In the end, I was able to buy shirts at a craft store and have a local jersey maker screen print the design (and I got a full refund for my online order, but was not required to return the shirts they sent). On the back of the shirts we printed the quote "they gave so much for being so little, but Angels always do".<br />
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On the day of the walk, everything was so overwhelming. I felt like we were newcomers to a group that had been getting together for years. (I don't know why I felt this way - it wasn't like we were on the outside of a big circle of friends, I think it was just my emotions.) <br />
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My husband had to be to work by noon and we were concerned about him making it on time, so we got to the front of the line and walked very quickly. At the start of the walk, a marching band lined the walkway and played music to kick off the walk. All of the emotions of the past few weeks, paired with all of the effort coming to a head, welled up inside me and spilled over in tears. I cried the first quarter mile or so.<br />
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After the walk, we gathered to eat the food that was donated. The Family Teams coordinator came over to meet us in person. She mentioned that there was another mother at the walk with a very similar story to mine. She had lost her son at 20 weeks and 2 days less than two weeks before we lost our twins. She suggested that I try to find the mother to connect with her. I did not find her before leaving, but I found a teammate of hers. We were later able to connect by e-mail. It turns out that we both used the same funeral home for our babies' funerals. We found a lot of similarities in our stories and comfort in each other.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-78230583205823121542011-08-28T13:12:00.001-07:002011-08-28T13:34:58.637-07:00Feeling PowerlessWhen I got home from the hospital, I felt completely powerless. I had lost my babies and didn't know why. I now had at least two weeks off from work on disability leave and nothing to do. Before leaving the hospital, my mother and I had decided that we would make things (me hats and her quilts) to donate to the hospital in appreciation of the items that had been given to our babies.<br />
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Once at home, I did two things: I started looking into March of Dimes and I started knitting tiny hats. I found that March of Dimes had a walk coming up in less than a month, so I threw myself into that. It gave me something to put my energy into and I felt like I was making a difference because I was raising money to help prevent tragedies like ours. I recruited a few walkers and started posting for donations on facebook. Incredibly, in about three weeks, with only six walkers, we were able to raise over $1,800!!<br />
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During those few weeks, I did some knitting, but mostly focused on the walk. However, once the walk was over, I needed to take up something else to help take away the powerless feeling. I started doing more knitting and started talking to others about it. A lot of people who I told what I was doing were interested in participating too. I found that we would soon have more items to donate than we could use for just a one-time donation, so I started thinking about making ongoing donations and forming an organization to make it happen. I worked on the idea with a friend and that's how An Angel's Love was born.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-17192581564489880962011-08-28T12:54:00.001-07:002011-08-28T13:34:58.642-07:00The VerdictThe afternoon after the funeral, I received a call from my doctor's office. The doctor told me that they had received preliminary pathology results back and that both placentas showed signs of bacterial infection. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for the following week and I should find out more then.<br />
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At the doctor's appointment the following week, the doctor went through each line of the pathology report with us. Essentially four things happened, any of them could have happened first and caused all of the others: (1) my cervix dilated, (2) the membranes ruptured (my water broke), (3) Kaylie's placenta abrupted (separated from the uterine wall), (4) a bacterial infection formed from bacteria normally present in the birth canal (but usually prevented from entering the uterus by the cervix). The doctor suggested that perhaps Kaylie's placenta abrupted first, then the blood clot that would have formed between the placenta and the uterine wall would have attracted the bacteria, but said that we would probably never know for sure what happened. He said that placental abruption is a rare occurance and having had it happen once does not make it more likely to happen again. He also noted that whatever happened was likely caused by the extra stress of carrying twins and that a singleton pregnancy would be likely to have no complications.<br />
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A couple months later, we decided to consult with a high risk obstetrician to see if they could provide any more insight, so that we would be well prepared when we were ready to try again. This doctor had the same pathology report, but suggested a different cause. She also said that we may never know exactly what happened, but "the good news is" that it almost certainly happened because we were having twins ("a woman's body is only made to carry one baby, it's not made to carry multiples") and that we would likely have no trouble with a singleton pregnancy. She suggested what may have happened was that the babies were growing too fast for my uterus to keep up and the pressure forced my cervix to open a tiny bit, thus allowing the bacteria to enter. Once the bacteria was inside the uterus, my body detected an infection and, in an effort to protect me, initiated labor. She recommended cervical measurements weekly from week 18 to 24 next time around.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-78987321724522592712011-08-28T12:44:00.001-07:002011-08-28T13:34:58.647-07:00The FuneralAs soon as the doctor confirmed that my water had broken, we started making funeral plans. I was too overwhelmed to think about it much, but luckily I was surrounded by people who could.<br />
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My husband called a funeral home. At first, the only option they offered was cremation, but after we talked to the staff at the hospital who told us there was no reason we couldn't do a burial, we called the funeral home back and arranged for a burial. My sister-in-law donated her cemetery plot to us (both she and my husband were given plots when they were teenagers by their mother), so that we didn't have to find a plot.<br />
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After that, I was asked what I thought of a number of ideas, and I agreed with whatever. My mother-in-law took the whole week off from work when we came home from the hospital and she made the majority of the arrangements.<br />
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Both of our families chipped in and paid for the entire funeral and made significant contributions for the headstone.<br />
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The funeral itself was lovely, but heart wrenching. Just seeing the tiny little casket broke my heart. We buried our babies with their bears (the day we found out the sexes, my husband went shopping and got them each a bear - one pink, one blue). We let them keep their hats and blankets and we wrote a note to each of them to go into the casket.<br />
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Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-2499136789149326722011-08-10T13:37:00.000-07:002011-08-28T13:38:23.245-07:00The DeliverySunday morning was Easter. We were supposed to be visiting with my family (Saturday we were supposed to have taken the dogs to a Mets game, but we missed that). On Saturday, I had asked family members to bring my things to the hospital so that I could start to knit some hats for the babies. I started working on Caiden's early Sunday morning. After getting through a few rows, I felt a gush of water. We called the nurse who came in and checked on things. I don't have a good sense of time because everything was so overwhelming, but I am sure we waited hours for the doctor to come in. Eventually, the doctor came in and said that they were now sure that my water had broken (until then they were unsure) and that there was nothing more we could do and I would need to deliver the babies. They recommended inducing labor to speed things along so that I wasn't in labor for days. We agreed.<br />
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They gave me a pill to initiate the labor. While the medicine went to work, the family started trying to get someone to come and pray with us. Since it was Easter Sunday, it took a lot of calling to reach anyone. But all the calling eventually paid off... The hospital produced their chaplain who said a couple prayers with us. A short while later, the hospital also produced a Catholic priest who was tied to the hospital. Shortly after that, our church's deacon (whose son my husband grew up with) stop in and said a few prayers. After that, our old priest (who had moved to a new church) arrived to say prayers and give us a blessing. We joked that we were the most blessed people on earth that day because of all the praying and blessings.<br />
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After taking the pill, I started freaking out because I hadn't decided yet how to handle the pain of labor (I was only 20 weeks pregnant and labor had seemed so far away). The nurse told me I could have anything I wanted. They had been giving me Oxycodone for my back (it was very sore from the uncomfortable position I had been laying in), so I ended up requesting that in the end. <br />
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Just after taking the Oxycodone, I started shivering violently. The nurse quickly brought blankets from the warmer and wrapped me up. Unbeknowst to me, this was the start of labor. (What does shivering have to do with labor? I still don't understand it, but apparently it is a common sign...) After shivering for a few minutes, my water burst. The doctor came in and with one push Caiden was born. The doctor wanted me to concentrate on delivering Kaylie, so he would not let me see Caiden at first, but when it appeared Kaylie was not quite ready to make her exit, the doctor introduced us to our son. Just before pushing, the doctor had warned us not to expect our children to look like full-term babies, so we steeled ourselves for the unexpected. He looked nothing like what we had prepared ourselves for; I would never have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes: other than being off-pigmented (dark) because of the early stages of development, he was a perfect looking tiny little baby with 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes, his mouth opened and he had a tongue! His little ears were in perfect proportion to his head. It was the littlest things that amazed me.<br />
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Kaylie decided to come into the world with a burst! When her water broke, it soaked the resident who was sitting at the edge of the bed (though my doctor had enough experience to back up). She was born 27 minutes after her brother. She amazed us with her strength by taking several breaths. Her heart beat for a while, though again I have no sense of time...<br />
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The priest who had given us the final blessing came back to baptize the babies. Then the nurse brought in tiny hats and small quilts. She put the hats on them and my husband wrapped them very meticulously in their quilts. Our wonderful nurses took the babies to get their hand and footprints and take pictures. (And when we asked for clearer footprints because my husband wanted to get the footprints in a tattoo, they went off and did more footprinting.) They also weighed the babies: Caiden weighed a little over 12 ounces and Kaylie weighed about 10.5 ounces. We were not ready to say goodbye, so we kept the babies with us for the night. Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-42414423315630455562011-08-09T19:07:00.001-07:002011-08-28T13:34:58.657-07:00The HospitalI called the doctor early the morning of Good Friday to discuss concerns. I was 20 weeks 2 days pregnant. The doctor told me the office was closed that day, so I should go to labor triage at the hospital and they would check me out. I told my husband that I would be going to the hospital, but he should not worry because I was sure it was nothing. We were beyond the risky time of pregnancy anyway. Nothing could be really wrong at 20 weeks. Plus, just three days earlier we had the anatomical ultrasound and everything looked great.<br />
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I got to the hospital, filled out paperwork, and waited for someone to check on me. All the while, I was getting more nervous that something might really be wrong. While I waited, I listed to the woman on one side of me take a non-stress test because she was worried that her 7th child who was due in a week or two had seemed to be moving less (the baby was fine the doctor reported), and the girl on the other side who was trying to decide whether her baby should go to the same pediatrician she was going to and her mother debating whether the baby's state insurance plan would cover everything (she was sure her insurance plan wouldn't cover a second generation). My husband called to say that he was going to come to the hospital as soon as he could leave work, but I told him not to rush and to call before he left because they would be doing an exam any minute and I would probably be leaving by the time he got there. <br />
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Finally a resident did the exam and found that I was several centimeters dilated with Caiden's amniotic sack poking through. She informed me that the hospital did not consider a baby to be viable until 23 weeks and there was very little chance I would make it that far. She said they would do an ultrasound shortly to see how the babies were holding up. My husband called around that time and I said "Are you coming??" (all I could manage to get out without breaking down). The ultrasound machine was brought in, but then was needed in the OR (apparently the hospital only has one mobile ultrasound unit??), so I waited... When my husband arrived, the doctor explained the situation. We saw the ultrasound and both babies were doing well with strong heartbeats. The doctor decided to admit me. I was placed into a special bed that raised my hips above my head to help keep the babies in.<br />
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Shortly after being admitted, one of my doctors (who was on call that day) came in to discuss our options: do nothing and see what happens, initiate labor and deliver the babies, undergo a procedure that would deliver the babies without us seeing them, talk to a high risk obstetrician. We chose to talk to a high risk obstetrician, who presented two additional options: take anti-contraction medicine (I was having contractions, though I didn't feel them) and try to postpone labor, attempt a "delayed delivery" in which we would deliver one baby, then try to stop labor and save the second twin. We opted for the anti-contraction medicine. We didn't want to do nothing and certainly didn't want to choose to lose one or both babies. In the meantime, my doctor had ordered that I couldn't eat anything for the rest of the day, so I forcibly fasted for Good Friday.<br />
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By Friday night we had several family members at the hospital with us. My husband, my mother-in-law and I played Uno (but I couldn't lift my head, so they had to tell me what the top card on the pile was and then I would hand them my card to top the pile). Saturday passed much the same. We had another ultrasound, which showed that the babies were still doing fine. However, it showed that there had been no improvement in our situation. I was still several centimeters dilated and Caiden's sack was still poking through. We contacted friends asking for their prayers. My husband told me "If you're not sleeping, you should be praying. Those are your only options."<br />
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We had some really special support in our couple of days there. My sister-in-law, who hadn't done any city driving since a bad accident several months before, drove herself to the hospital, braving a drive that even makes me nervous. My grandmother was with us the whole time, keeping my mother sane. My husband never left my side, except a few trips to the hospital chapel. My mother and mother-in-law were with us during (and beyond) all visiting hours. In addition, we had a couple of very special nurses. Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-28746816267377508582011-08-09T18:54:00.001-07:002011-08-28T13:34:58.662-07:00The Name GameOf course, from the name of the blog, you know the winning names, but pretend you don't for this story...<br />
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Once we knew the sexes, we started to decide on names. I had suggested early in the pregnancy the name Caiden for a boy. My husband loved the name Shea, so he suggested Caiden Shea. I liked it and the more I thought about it, the more it grew on me, so I thought we were set with a boy's name, until my husband said he wanted to name him Dominic. I was looking for a name with an Irish feel to match our last name (even though our Hayes actually comes from England), so I didn't like Dominic. We continued to debate about it while deciding on a girl's name.<br />
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My husband had always liked the name Mia for a girl, but I was never sold on it. I didn't mind Mia ask a nickname, but thought it was too short to be a full name, so I proposed all kinds of names that could have Mia as a nickname. He didn't like any of them. Eventually he offered that we could name our boy Caiden Shea if I would give in on the girl's name. He would even let me pick the girl's middle name. I really liked the name Kailey. Even though I didn't think Mia Kailey sounded great together, I decided I would get used to it eventually. Now it was settled; we had named our kids, but couldn't tell anyone yet since it would give away the sexes.<br />
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We started calling the babies by their names. Mia was quite active and one night I told my husband how she had been kicking me all day. Out of the blue he asked if I liked the name Mia Kailey. I told him that I didn't really and after a few minutes he said "what do you think of the name Kailey Jordan"? I told him that I really liked it. After some discussion, we changed the spelling: Kaylie to ensure that she wouldn't be called Kylie and Jordyn for a more feminine spelling.<br />
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Caiden Shea and Kaylie Jordyn<br />
I still think these are the greatest names and can't imagine topping them when we name future children. One of my biggest heartbreaks in the hospital weeks later was the thought that I would never get to call them by their names. I had tested each name from every angle and even looked forward to chastising them with "Caiden Shea and Kaylie Jordyn!!" <br />
Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-65445637798750781932011-08-09T18:44:00.001-07:002011-08-28T13:34:37.139-07:00Boys or Girls?At 18 weeks, we went to the doctor for a very unexciting ultrasound to measure my cervix to make sure I could hold twins in. The measurement went well and I asked if we could look at the babies. The tech said that she could try to figure out the sexes if we wanted. We did, very much so! So she started with Baby B and announced "It's a girl!". Baby A was much less cooperative. Eventually, she was able to get a good enough angle to announce "It's a boy!"<br />
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My husband couldn't have been more happy. I was hesitant. My husband had declared that if the twins were one boy and one girl, our family would be complete. I had always wanted more than two kids, so this was disappointing to me. However, by the next day, I had realized that this was the perfect scenario: my husband was thrilled about having a boy, I was thrilled about having a girl, his side of the family had only girls, so they were thrilled about a baby boy joining the family, and my side of the family had only boys so they were thrilled about a baby girl.<br />
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A couple days later, we went to the Mother of Twins sale (a huge second hand sale of all things baby). The clothing was separated by gender and age. He immediately went to the boys' section and I went to the girls' section. We each enjoyed picking out items for our selected gender and left with a couple bags of clothes and one neutral toy.<br />
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However, our mothers were scheduled to come to the anatomical ultrasound scheduled for two weeks later where we had expected to learn the sexes, so we decided not to ruin the surprise and elected not to tell the family the sexes. This made for an interested couple of weeks while we tried not to give away our secret...Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-52311311759270401542011-08-09T18:24:00.001-07:002011-08-28T13:34:37.144-07:00Twins!We elected to go through the first trimester screening (which checks for Down Syndrome and other chromosomal abnormalities) mainly because it required an ultrasound, which would be the only opportunity we would have to see our baby before 20ish weeks. Two days before the ultrasound, we had the 12 week appointment, our first opportunity to hear the heartbeat. The doctor seemed to be in a hurry, so we listened the baby's (singular) heartbeat for about 10 seconds. We left completely unsuspecting of what was to come...<br />
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Before beginning the ultrasound the tech explained the purposed of the test. She told us she would be looking for triplets, then when she saw the looks on our faces, she clarified "three chromosomes, not three babies!". As she began the ultrasound, she ran the wand across my whole belly to get oriented and then paused and said "Um... twins? Did you know there were two in there?" And then she showed us that there were really two! We were totally shocked! Very nervous, but very excited.<br />
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Telling the family became much more interesting... no one in our generation had twins! However, the most annoying question I discovered from non-family members: "Do twins run in your families?" How many twins are really born because twins "run in the family"? (Hint: <i>very few</i>) I dreaded having to answer this question for the rest of my life whenever I told someone I had twins.<br />
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I quickly started researching everything twin - I found special cribs, play pens, Boppies, names, clothes... I signed up for the Greater Rochester Mother of Twins Club to get support from local mothers who could give advice.<br />
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We started thinking about names, but it was too overwhelming to come up with 4 full names (two boys, two girls - they were fraternal, so could have been any combination of boys, girls, or one of each), so we put that on hold until we could find out the sexes.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-568001219625306701.post-13280349472041231772011-08-09T18:12:00.001-07:002011-08-28T13:34:11.039-07:00The Pregnancy TestWe had tried unsuccessfully for several months entering December 2010. I was charting my temperatures, and toward the end of December when my temperature was supposed to be elevated to indicate that we were expecting, it started dropping .1 degrees per day for several days. I decided that must mean that we had been unsuccessful again, so I was oblivious to every sign that told me otherwise. On New Year's Eve, we went to dinner at Chili's and I was craving a big fat juicy slice of tomato. That didn't strike me as odd. On the 1st, I went to visit family. During the trip I started to notice soreness in my chest. That was what finally prompted me to take a test when I returned home. During the trip I had not had a private moment to talk to my husband about my suspicions, so I decided to take the test without telling him (since it was the middle of the day and it might not turn out positive anyway). As soon as I put the stick down, it immediately produced one very bright pink line (this first line was the one that was supposed to indicate positive). After a few minutes, it showed a second very faint pink line. I hid the test behind my back and brought it to my husband saying "I have a surprise for you". He said "Are you serious?" but upon further inspection was skeptical since the second line was so faint, so he went out to get a different type of test (the kind that shows a plus or minus). As soon as I took the second test, it showed a bright plus sign. We were so excited, but nervous - this was our first pregnancy, what should we expect? What would happen next? Would we have a boy or a girl? Would we be good parents? Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05273106454728669220noreply@blogger.com0